When we have a difference of opinion with somebody, we often try to correct them, to convince them that our point of view is ‘correct’ and theirs is ‘not.’ After all, we would never hold a point of view we thought is wrong. Yet, we all know from experience how difficult it is to get others to admit to being wrong. It is usually not only futile; it often leads to real conflict. Thankfully, there are a number of effective conflict resolution strategies – which we will be looking at today.
Conflict resolution techniques have two different characteristics, which are one; how much I get of what I want and the other is how much the other person gets of what they want. If you want to resolve a conflict there are a handful of different techniques you could use. We will walk you through these techniques and give you a sense of the benefits and drawbacks of each.
Avoidance:
We will start with the avoidance technique. Here really, neither of the parties gets what they want; they just look the other way or bury their head in the sand ignoring the source of the conflict. Avoidance is actually a perfect way to handle some disputes especially if they are so small you really don’t care that much. An example can be when a person you really don’t know cuts you off while you are on a queue; this is a perfect time to use the technique of avoidance. Care should be taken though, if either of you really does care, then avoidance may make the conflict worse or bigger or there will be another one soon.
Accommodating or Giving In:
Next is accommodating or giving in, now this is a useful technique when you see that it’s more important to the other person than it is to you. If you can give in cheerfully and accommodate the other person, then by all means do it. The trouble is when we accommodate and it is the wrong technique. When we feel like we had to give in. Then we could move to the victim corner which can be so very toxic. Relationships work best when people kind of take turns giving in. When there is a back-and-forth to it. So the rule of thumb is, accommodate if you can just let it go cheerfully and if you can’t then you will need to consider one of the other options.
Competing or Dominating:
It’s sort of the opposite of accommodating, it’s when either party by power or rank or intimidation pressures the other so that they can have their way. Now this is by far the best approach in some situations like on the battlefield or in an emergency. When this technique is used in a non-emergency situation it’s called bullying. You may win the argument when you use this technique with your friends but it will likely be at a very high price. In fact, competing or dominating is most likely to generate even more conflict down the road. Surprisingly, most people use this technique unconsciously while relating with people and later wonder why the particular relationship keep moving from one conflict to another.
Compromising:
This is a very special technique, it’s where the parties involved get some of what they want but they also let go of some of what they want willingly. It’s not a win-win, it’s sort of like a tie. compromising is about getting as close as you can and then splitting the difference. Now one of the benefit is it is fast, you don’t have to get into feelings or history. You just cut it down the middle. Now while compromising can settle a dispute, it cannot bring about long term alignment. If emotions are high and everyone is deeply committed to their position, compromising is not the best solution because in compromising on an emotionally charged issue, you run the risk of playing that never ending game of cycles of conflict with your friends and family where you might settle this dispute but another one pops up.
Another way to strike a compromise I want to mention briefly here is mediation. This is where a third party helps you come to an agreement but everybody in the end has to agree. This is when you can ask for help from a third party to help with the conflict by bringing both parties to a point of agreement hereby resolving the conflict.
Collaboration:
Then there is the holy grail of conflict resolution which is collaboration. It is the gold standard. Collaboration is the way to create a win-win outcome. The challenge is it takes time and patience and a willingness to get into some areas where you have to be intentional in resolving the conflict, it includes a lot of listening, deep listening because sometimes people in conflict don’t really feel like listening to one another. In successful collaborations, everyone feels seen, heard, valued and trust grows. Collaboration is a creative process which can convert conflicts to opportunities and the good news is, it is all really possible. In fact, research has proven that win-win or collaborative conflict resolution is possible in 80% of conflicts. The benefit is that once collaboration is complete people really do understand one another better, they trust one another more, and they usually actually like one another a lot more, which means that they are less likely to enter into that next conflict.
Conclusion:
It is important to keep in mind that what is key to resolving a conflict will be your leadership, the way you implement the process. You will need to guide the process; you will need to step up to the plate. What happens if you are unable to resolve a conflict which does occur? That will be the right time to go seek mediation. Seek help from others. There are plenty of people out there that can guide you through resolving a conflict. Learning conflict resolution does take practice and does take effort. But now that you have some of these key strategies it’s important that you continue to develop them. Learning to resolve conflicts will help you be successful in life because as long as human relations exist, there will always be conflicts.
